Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The Family Meeting: And why I am not sure it worked.

As much as I think I am completely different from all these crazy boys I share a life and home with, there is one quality that all four of us have in common, we all have big fat mouths.    

 The answer to the age old question about what happens when an attorney and a radio DJ fall in love and make babies is that two people who both talk and argue for a living make two other people who are mouth monsters.  I do not mean literally, I mean that the stuff that they say and argue about is unreal.   It is horrifying, sometimes mean, and often impressive. 

     My boys are nine and four.  They are good, smart, hilarious, imaginative, talented, and have a ton of other amazing qualities, so please do not get me wrong, I am not raising monsters, well some days that is debatable, but that is a whole other blog post.    In fact, most of the time that they get in trouble it is for their sass mouths.    My oldest has turned into a little attorney and pretty much just argues or negotiates his way through my patience.  He also thinks he is our co-parent for the youngest so that is fun.

The four year old has issues with just plain saying mean words.  His go-to bad words are, "stupid" and variations of "poop" and "butt".   If you are really lucky you may even get a "stupid poopy butt."  I have heard a smattering of the really bad words but his old standbys, his signature words, are the ones listed above.

Here are some of the tactics we have taken to try to get the verbal assignations in line.

1. Time outs---- Ummmm that is a joke.  The oldest will accept punishment with drama and negotiation.  The youngest will wage an all-out war on the room, house, and your soul.

2. Washing the mouth out with soap-- The oldest told me to shut up a total of one time.   We were at my Mom's house and I calmly (huge victory for me) walked over to the sink, poured the soap in my hand.  

 I said you have two choices:

 1. Lick this soap off my hand or

2. Lose your XBOX for a month. 

 I had no idea what was going to happen, I was busy concealing my rage and quietly being proud of myself for not losing my mind on him.    He ate the soap and then proceeded to lose his mind.    The youngest pretty much hates it, and cries and runs away but it has not been enough to make him stop calling people poop head.

3.  Hot Sauce. -- The same effectiveness as the soap, plus I just think they kind of like it because Dad does.

4.  Taking away stuff-- this tactic is usually the most effective.  The problem is that the oldest is not allowed to play with electronics during the week already so that leaves little that he actually cares about to take away during the week.    The youngest…. It just makes him go into a spiral of four year old obscenities and hysterics that rage on until he is decides he is nice again.

5. The Spank—my hubby and I are not huge fans of corporal punishment.  We have had discussions, I read books, and before we became parents we decided  it was just not our way of dealing with discipline.  We never spanked our oldest, I even crafted a super cute time out chair.   

 Then we had our youngest.   He was a good baby. A beautiful perfect boy.  A sweet guy. My snuggler and lover.  Once he turned into a toddler, he changed.  We secretly call him Sybil.  He will go bat shit crazy and then flip the switch and give you sweaty tear soaked kisses, telling you he is sorry and "woves" you. I am not proud to say that both my hubby and I have spanked him.    I am also not proud to say that I cried in my pillow after and pretty sure he was more pissed than hurt, thus it did not work.

A couple of weeks ago the boys were just out of control.  Every conversation was either was an argument or a negotiation.  These boys were mouth terrorists.   I was already at my wits end when my oldest, who is usually more the negotiator/arguer was just straight rude and disrespectful in front of my sister in law and best friend after his football game.  Also keep in mind, at this point I had given up my entire Sunday and had to run the stupid clock at his game, which I had no idea how to do because I only fake liking sports for him, also it was hot out and I had on jeans.   At any rate, I was super embarrassed and hurt.  

The hubby and I had a conversation and we had the family meeting.     The TV was off.  Two kitchen chairs were pulled out and put in the middle of the room.   We sat the boys down and I started.  I was fabulous.   I gave the best closing argument of my life.   They were attentive and respectful.  The youngest even raised his hand several times to make various points of his own.  Hubby talked and made his points.

The short version is that we are done.  Things will change or life will be harder.  If we take away a train it is forever.  An IPad is not gone for a week it is forever!!!  FOREVER!!!!    It was going great.  I was feeling heard and vindicated and maybe even a little bit respected.  In my head I was secretly applauding us for being great parents.   I was thinking that our kids are going to be awesome, no more verbal assignations, bath time is going to happen without a meltdown, and homework will be done without many lengthy discussions.  We were all calmly discussing the situation and having a real family meeting.   I mean we were really making some progress here, everyone was on board.  

AND THEN….. Just as the hubby was making another clearly amazing well thought out point, the youngest screams…..

“ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT, THIS IS DONE NOW” with his little sticky four year old paws punctuating each point like an old Italian mobster.   The oldest eyes looked like saucers, I was stunned, he totally snippered our family meeting. It came out of nowhere.

 Let’s just say, the calm discussion was over and I once again said to myself for the 15 millionth time.       Good thing these two freaks are cute.  

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

My 30 day challenge to stop doing 30 day challenges.

What's the deal with all the challenges going around?  There are hundreds of 30 day challenges, anything from working out, eating right, not spending money, cleaning, writing, drawing, and on and on.

I am anything but original and I pretty much do whatever is popular, so obviously, I have tried many of these challenges.    My new challenge is to go 30 days without starting a new challenge.  Shoot I already ruined it!

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I have issues with commitment, self-discipline, and pretty much need a therapist, as evidenced below I would most likely only go twice so here is why I have to stop challenging myself to challenges.

This challenge I was very excited for and was very committed, until I wasn't.....the 7 day clean eating challenge,  here is how my challenge went.

Day 1: Wake up. Have pot of coffee with creamer, "accidentally" eat crescent wrapped mini-wiener from the night before.  Print out shopping list.  Go shopping... Buy all the things.  Eat Twix bar because day is already ruined.  Will start tomorrow for sure.

Day 2: Wake up. Look at the menu.  I am supposed to drink warm water with Pink Himalayan Sea Salt and eat Ezekiel bread.  Could not find these two items at the store.  Who the heck is Ezekiel and what is so great about his bread?    Decide if I can't do it right what is the point.  I will start tomorrow.

Day 3:  Too busy to find random weird products.  I can't start a challenge on a Wednesday anyway, that is just wrong.   Clearly week is ruined.  I will start next Monday.

Day 4-6:  Where the hell can I buy this precious Pink Salt??????  Starting to hate pink salt yet slightly obsessed with purchasing it. 

Day 7: Find pink salt and I am mad because it is expensive.  Buy it because the research I did said it helps with your "digestive" system, aka it makes you poop.

Day 8:  Must have this truly earth shattering salt in my water today.  Make big production making the drink.  Take drink.  Swallow. Want to die.  So gross.  Not worth it.  Pour out the rest.    I hate clean eating.  


Sign up for 30 day Plank challenge on Day 30.  Whoops, I am out. Must read entire Facebook post before deciding on a challenge.

Lucky me the next challenge is a a 30 day Burpee challenge.  You have to do 30 burpees a day for 30 days.

Day 1:  Get my work out clothes on and get ready... I am going to own this challenge.  I am going to make this challenge my Bi$%H.     Do 5 burpess...... want to stop... keep going.  two more.... Ok, 7 burpees it is for now.    Technically, the rules said nothing about having to do them all at one.  I will space them throughout the day.    Watch for kids to get off the bus, do 5 burpees in garage, neighbors think I am insane.    Husband gets home.  Challenge him to my challenge.  I show him I can do them and finish up my 30.   He says he could do 30 all at once.  I said no way.  We make a bet, I am sure to win.  Damn it, he does them.  Note to self: Never underestimate a man when action is on the line.  Note to self part 2 : Stop betting action as a prize to your husband.

Day 2: Do 7 burpees in my office.  I decide to do the rest when I go running at lunch.   Shoot, can't work out at lunch.  I will do them tonight.  Get home too tired to move. 

Day 3: Screw it. Why do I keep torturing myself?  I read something that said I am beautiful the way I am, I vow never to work out again.

Pinterest instead of running in the cold morning... Yes Please!!!

A 30 day challenge to De-clutter your house!!!  Whooooo HOOO   sign me up.

My house will be so organized.  I am going to be a Domestic Diva.  My life is going to be so organized.  Life will be perfect!  

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Right after I finish this coffee and pinning this outfit.